Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: There have just been so many lies.

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Hello, gentle readers! 

It is me — no, not your regular recapper, the lovely Chelsea McLaughlin — but, a new recapper who hopes to feel your warm embrace and if not, dodge any/all trolling in the comments. 

Pls, I've watched 25 episodes of MAFS this year. I've surely suffered enough. 

But enough about me! 

Against all odds, Ridge is still named Ridge. 

'Changing my middle name to Deece too, boom boom!'

He and ummm *checks notes* Jade are one of a handful of couples currently deece (aka not on the brink of collapse) ahead of the Commitment Ceremony. 

Lucinda and Timothy are stronger than ever, as Ms Light says there's been "some very lovely openings," that went down in Byron Bay's couples' retreat. Delightful. 

While it might be love, light and 'openings' for some, most of the couples are reeling from Sara's many, many lies. 

The many, many lies that came out at Wednesday's dinner party which ended in Tim moving out of their apartment.

Tim is sad.

This is Tim's sad face.

It is much like Tim's regular face. 

A montage of Sara's red flags zips through the episode. Sara had an ex! Sara cancelled a date! Sara probably texts on her phone! 

IT'S ALL ADDING UP.

Meanwhile, I'm wondering who pet-sat that poor innocent animal caught up in this MAFS cheating scandal. 

Sara visits Tim and they end up arguing over whether she did or didn't ask Eden for a "cute dress" to go see her ex, because that's what matters! Sara flees again. Nothing is resolved. Cool. 

In a shocking turn of events, Tori has located a spine. Her spine was inside a whale, or specifically her TV husband Jack's body-shaming comment calling some of the men 'whales' while poolside at the retreat. 

Tori begins to speak, but Jack (and his nipples) kindly decide to speak for her. "I make mistakes," he says, as I try to count all Jack's mistakes and run out of fingers and toes. 

"Do you make mistakes? I bet you do!"

Ugh, what. 

'But I'll take you back! I hear 17th time is the charm!'

They get nowhere in this convo and suddenly its Commitment Ceremony time, friends! 

"Mama and Papa," are first up, as Tristan accurately crowns Lucinda and Timothy. 

Lucinda tells the experts that Timothy had a "breakthrough" at Couples' Retreat, which her groom considered a "breakdown". Lucinda offers encouraging words as he opens up about feelings of loneliness after the deaths of his entire immediate family and THIS MAN DESERVES THE WORLD. 

Expert John Aiken reckons they might have more than a friendship brewing. I mean, this is our sixth week of MAFS so one would BLOODY HOPE SO, but we'll take a win when we can. 

Me and my delusional bestie already spending our prize money after buying two of 10 million of the $150 million lotto tickets. 

John instructed Timothy to give Lucinda one hug a day. That must feel nice for everyone involved! 

Yiiiiikes. This is so grim. 

Eden and Jayden are up next. Eden explains the whole Sara scandal to the experts, as if they weren't watching the whole dinner party unfold from a darkened control room. 

We know, hun!

They go on and on about cheating with a level of moral superiority that would make you think they're the first people in history to ever state that umm... cheating is not that nice, actually.

No one needs a man bun more than this man.

Tristan rushes to the couch to sadly learn that while he's fallen in love with Cassandra, the feeling is not mutual. Things get awkward as Tristan boasts about his strong feelings as Cass sits there looking uncomfortable. 

THIS IS NOT MY FANTASY. 

THIS IS NOT WHAT THE PEOPLE WANT. 

Cass stumbles over her words as she tells the experts she "wishes she felt the same way" but "it's not there" as she notes they rarely even kiss. She votes to friendzone him through the means of voting to leave but as Tristan said stay, they will endure another week of reality TV-sanctioned forced marriage. 

Andrea and Richard plop down on the couch and DID ANYONE ELSE FORGET THIS COUPLE EXISTED??

'I've had man-flu all week, I'm actually brave!' 

What a fall from grace for a couple I once cherished as my favorite pairing. 

Richard gets a bit weird about Andrea making a harmless joke about liking him more since he fell ill this week. But then he says they haven't kissed in six weeks.

OMG. THESE COUPLES AREN'T EVEN KISSING ANYMORE. 

WE'RE NOT HERE TO F**K SPIDERS, MAFS CAST. 

Andrea admits the 'mood' and 'tone' has shifted between them. I will back Andie here, Richard's vibe has been off the last few weeks. But either way, they both choose to stay together to definitely not kiss for a few more weeks! 

Another couple who aren't actually a couple, Lauren and Jonathan, sit on the couch. They spent the weekend doing doggy style but not in a sex way, in a swimming way. 

They were racing in the pool like 10-year-olds forced together because their mums were friends. 

"I love it, progress!" expert Alessandra assesses. Against all logic, they're staying together for another week. Swell. 

'Next week, let's do a doggy style relay... in a sex way hehe.'

One couple who are probably doing sex in a sex way are Ridge and Jade, who are also staying in the experiment after making a huge stride this week: introducing Jade's daughter to Ridge.

AN ACTUAL COUPLE? MAKING ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP PROGRESS? I DON'T BELIEVE IT. 

But don't get too excited, Stephen and Michael kill that buzz by relaying their cheating scandal for the week. Stephen said he felt a 'spark' with a hairdresser, and haven't we all felt a 'spark' with a hairdresser? Grow up! 

They both elect to leave the experiment. It's almost as if these two were just thrown together after Michael was meant to be matched with an entirely different man! Just a thought! 

Tori and her dementor husband Jack arrive on the couch and Daddy John is prepped with some home truths. He delivers a seething response to Jack's recent comments about women wearing 'muzzles' and men looking like 'whales'. 

"This coming from a personal trainer who should know better. It's not good enough," he tells Jack. "I'm at a point now where I'm lost for words." 

When you're fighting with your sibling on a road trip and dad pulls the car over. You know sh*t is about to get real. 

Someone else lost for words is Tori, who couldn't answer whether she trusted Jack given the recent drama he's caused within the group. But she still voted to stay, so who knows what she's thinking. "Observe people, they will show you," Alessandra tells Tori, essentially saying 'DUMP HIM, SIS' in expert jargon. 

And finally, it's Sara's moment to get a sassy talking to from Mr Aiken. 

Here's what we know: Sara dated her ex for six years but also four years but she hasn't seen him for two years apart from hooking up with him a month ago. 

"Friends don't get naked and have sex," John tells Sara. "What was your question?" Sara bluntly responds.

Cass and Tristan's faces say it all. 

Tristan: 'Hello darkness, my old friend...'

Sara maintains that she didn't hook up with her ex but she just wanted to wear a "cute dress" for him! 

The rest of the contestants pipe up and Sara tells them to shut up, slightly rich coming from a woman who has never shut up from the second she entered the experiment. 

John highlights Sara's lack of empathy in her approach to Tim. "What about saying sorry, why didn't you," John pressed. "I don't know," Sara meekly offered. 

John assesses that Tim is afraid to speak freely with Sara and the group agrees Sara talks over Tim. 

As Tim tries to share his side, Sara talks over him to disagree that she ummm... talks over him. 

???????????

'IS THIS BITCH FOR REAL??'

Stephen then speaks... possibly for the first time ever. He tells Sara off for her hypocrisy, as does Jade, also speaking for the first time. 

Tim votes to leave but Sara wants to keep him imprisoned for one more week. John instructs Sara to win Tim back this week. "Tim, I hope you give me the chance to show you I want to be here [for the Instagram following, probably]," she tells him. 

Ol' Timmy looks like he's about to serve a lengthy sentence at Alcatraz. 

The next episodes will host feedback week which will see Jayden debut a baffling moustache (sad!) and Lauren troll Jack for an entire week (glad!) so bring it on! 

Catch up on our MAFS recaps here:

Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Don't pretend your cheating scandal is not a cheating scandal.

Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Jack expertly plants the seeds of doubt.

Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: WE ARE ALL SO PROUD OF TIMOTHY.

Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Ben doesn't just dislike Ellie. Ben dislikes women.

Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: One man's face causes a lot of drama.

Tara Watson is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Producer. For more from her, you can follow her on Instagram.

Feature image: Nine.